"Feelings are much like waves.
We can't stop them from coming,
but we can choose which ones to surf."
-- Jonatan Martensson
In the early 1970's, I studied T/A (Transactional Analysis), a self-help method of understanding psychology. It hit the public with the launch of a book, Games People Play, by Eric Berne, MD and was followed by another very popular book titled, I'm OK, You're OK, by Thomas A Harris, MD. The first one was copyrighted in 1964 and the second book in 1967. It is interesting that these books are still available new today on Amazon.com and elsewhere. I was certainly not alone in finding them extremely helpful and instructional, as I still believe they are equally today.
One of the things I learned that has never left me is to "own my own feelings." The premise is that no one can 'make' you feel anything, but that you 'make' yourself feel. There is a great deal of truth in this. I have used this for myself for almost 40 years, and I use it all the time. Whenever I feel something, I pretty much automatically now think that I need to own that feeling and not blame it on someone else. This helps me to understand what is really going on instead of reacting to others. I'm not a robot, it is a constant work in progress, and I get better at it all the time.
So, here's the deal: I can 'feel' the emotion, but I don't have to 'feel' the pain if that makes sense. This is why I love this quote above so much because I can feel the feeling so that I'm not like a stone, but I can choose which feelings I want to 'surf,' or plug into or explore.
In other words, I don't have to agree with someone who may be saying something to me. I can choose a different thought about that. Sally Field said it this way: "It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes." Taking charge of which emotions to surf is critical in an entertainers life for sure but just as important on our own.
People only have the power that you elect to give them based on what you think of yourself. Frankly, it is a wonderful thing to realize this and take charge of it and control it myself. Even if something someone says that I don't like rubs off on me and I feel little crappy for a while, it will be a very short while until I realize what I've done and then turn it back around and be back in charge of my own emotions. Believing in yourself, your value, your worth is awesome and you will be rewarded with an uncrushable self-image.
That kind of self-image is unstoppable!
I Choose My Emotions. I Do Not Allow Others To Choose Them For Me. I Am In Charge Of Me.
Spread Some Joy Today--Today I Want You To Choose Happy Thoughts About Yourself All Day. Have A Lot Of Them On Purpose. Smile As They Pass By. Feel The Joy Inside. You Are Awesome! You Are Exceptional! You Are Wonderful!
Hi Terry.
ReplyDeleteI agree completely with what you have written in your Daily Inspiration dated 12/02/09.
I haven't heard it said the way you did but it's still the same thing. I have always tried to teach, "no one can make you angry or upset unless you first give them permission to do so."
Anger is not an emotion it is more a reaction to an emotion such as fear, or frustration. You frustrate me and I choose to be patient or I choose to get angry. If you don't have my permission to make me mad you don't have an opportunity to exert control over my life.
Many times over the years I've seen a sales person treated badly by a prospective customer. The prospect was harsh, or rude, or even hateful to a salesperson who was just trying to help. I've watched those encounters completely unsettle and sometimes even enrage the salesperson. When that happened the person who did the offending just took away the salesperson ability to make a sale with anyone else that day, or possible even for the next couple of days as they stewed and focused on the offense that was so unfairly dumped on them.
I've reminded many that the second YOU ALLOWED that individual to make you angry you also gave them the power to take away your ability to create income for yourself and your family. When we really get angry our blood pressure spikes our head begins to hurt, and we often just feel like crap. We are so filled with distracting, self destructive emotions that we are no longer able to remain focused on the reason we came to work, which was to make money by providing a product or service to a customer. Do you really want to give someone that kind of power over you? The answer was always, "NO". So you decide NOW how you're going to respond when someone offends you in the FUTURE. One way empowers the offender over you and the other empowers you. Who do you want to be in charge, you or them? Now since you allowed them to have this power over you on this last incident you are now living with the consequences of that decision and mentally right now your no good to yourself or anyone else. So here's ten bucks, go buy your self a treat, take a couple of hours to relax, and then take back the permission you just gave to that stranger who has rendered you ineffective because you granted them permission to make you angry. If you can do that come on back to work and sell something, and if you can't get past how you feel right now then go home take a nap buy a flower for your love and remind yourself when you look at your family that they are worth everything you've got to give and that come tomorrow you will never give your permission to anyone again to make you angry, which in turn robs you of your ability to provide for your family.
Some might argue that you can't send them away because you need them their to do a job. But you know far better then most if your head is not in the game you might as well not be their at all, in fact they could easily blow the sale feeling the way they do at that point. I have seen a salesperson return with a whole new outlook on life and more importantly, how they are going to react to life. You've said it yourself. "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you choose to respond to it."
Hope to drop by for a cup of coffee soon. Merry Christmas Terry.
Tom Anderton